Falling.

One of those late night pangs of emotions, as I would always casually describe it to be.

Typically caused by a mental rendition of my life, what some might call nostalgia. Nevertheless, just thought these words are so apt right now.

Falling

Falling,
I’m falling into myself, as life.
Offers these unknown pleasures and hate.

I’m falling, falling into darkness, that make, such sorrow.

I’m waiting, waiting for the one to lift my life.
Never, thought I would be

So then let’s be a crazy one, to lead a crazy life.
Non-stop the life to be, the hectic ones I know.

Then fall no more, elate all day.
Make my heart go away.

Yup. that pretty much sums it all.

Intellectual Resurrection

I guess it’s about time I started writing again, since I’ve always seen blogging/journal-ing as a form of articulating my thoughts.

Well, ‘not much thought’ some who know me might argue, after all, what’s thought to a man in green? or rather, what’s any intellectual association to a soldier? Many of my colleagues would embody the epitome of senseless, brainless individuals. I don’t mean their stupid but rather they don’t think. They process information, they don’t think, there’s a universe of a difference if you ask me between the two, thinkers and processors that is.

I choose to believe I’m belong to the former.

Apologies, I digress. Why the need for an Intellectual Resurrection? It’s for a variety of reasons, i must say, but none of which precedes the few reasons i would deem as axioms to which had incited me to want to start posting again.

1) I’ve in the the past 1 year been back in the service, peddling through a whole laundry list of mundane activities, that i reluctantly call my job, sometimes i wonder why do they need university graduates to do something so simple. It’s quite tedious and it definitely de-educates one.

2) In the past 1 yr, due to the nature of my job. I’ve gone back to spewing explicives so much that is seems like i punctuate my sentences with them. To me it seemed almost as if i’ve turned into a caveman, of limited grey matter to speak about, and my language lives as the testimont to that.

3) I miss writing, I really do, not just in the form of blogging, but i miss Journalism, Public Relations, Writing Papers. I miss all of that, that of which i used to pride myself as, things i had done for 4 years of my university life, things i had studied, practiced during my internship. I miss the professionalism, the thought, the effort and the stimulation and joy in brings me.

Well. It would seem like I’m still very much caught up in the past. I should be socialised to be used to my surroundings now. Maybe, maybe not. I was once having a conversation with my immediate boss. And I remember telling him.

I.B. (immediate boss): Kenneth how are things?
Me: Well going alright… though there are many things I’m still not used to. Like the way people and the organization functions. (after all it is the military, you have to more often than not bow down to those whom are higher ranked but not necessarily smarter more capable or superior to you in any other way).

I.B.: But you’ve been back for what? 8 months now. Surely, you’re starting to transit right?
Me: I have transited (I MEAN IT), but I don’t want to get used to the system. A system which promotes one based on time norms and not meritocratic reasons, a system which dictates more administrative (operations type job) as opposed to a challenging thinking job. A system which most of all I feel stifles me, because I’ve seen better.

I admit my views are that of a bitter person, angry, perhaps even sore. But nonetheless I have many other things to be thankful for with regards to my job.

- My immediate boss (He might not be the best boss one could ask for, but he cares for his people, he encourages, and most importantly he’s the kind of boss that gives his subordinates an ample amount of freeplay, of course dependent on the amount of confidence he has in the person, or at least that’s what i like to think since he gives me a huge box to run around in.)

- My big boss (This guy is perhaps one of the biggest reasons why i turn up to work everyday and not want to take a medical certificate and feign ill. The dude’s one of a kind, president scholar, good with people, and most importantly, he’s the type of person that listens and is composed no matter what happens. To be honest, due to the fact that i’m working directly under him for NDP really makes me happy. Haha, NO i;’m not gay. It’s just this man is really someone I look up to, and I feel like everytime we interact, I learn something new. Too bad he can’t be my boss for my entire career, or however short it might be)

- Friends – well this is pretty straight forward so i’d skip it.

On the issue or work, yes I detest most of it.I’d prefer slogging as a journalist, working hectic hours as a public relations profession in a reputable agency. But at the end, it’s all because the aforementioned jobs i’ve listed, all give me a sense of intellectual satisfaction. It shows me bit by bit through piles and piles of papers and hours of staring at the screen and even longer hours typing, that at the end. My writing, my works, my ideas, and its articulation makes a difference, it contributes to whether or not readers get  a fair depiction of what matters to them, or whether consumers think better of the client’s company, or whether a product is picked up in a store. And lastly,

It satisfies me.

The unsuspecting whiff of solitude.

Been in a rather pensive mood lately mostly alone. On certain counts, it almost seems as if im being consciously pretentious, consciously farce about thinking. Is it even possible? to pretend to think?

Thinking is a luxury. to a large extent i agree with amanda…. it really is a luxury. As we move beyond the notion of thinking as inherently asssociated with work. We start to wonder how often are we actually alone, in the comfort of our own spatial bubble, nestled in the peace of mind to step out of our daily lives and just THINK.

About the romance we once had, about the jobs we could have been in, about what lies ahead of us, about the fantasticalization of our dreams, about the one choice that you would give up 10 years of your life just to choose again.

Can we truly be in a state of peace with ourselves, alone, un disturbed…. un prohibited… to reminisce to hope, to lust and to love?

Protected: Dis-illusioned

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It’s been a while

It’s been a while seriously, before we even know it, time has zoomed past us, leaving traces only in our memories, of the good, the bad, and of course the ugly.

I’ve gotta admit though that things have change. I have changed, more jaded than ever before, soon to reach a cross-roads of my life after graduating. It’s been good i guess, the friends, the women, the wine (or beer cos i really hate wine).

Friends, i’ve gained friends along my journey. Of which, those that actually stuck are archetypal of my old time friend Mr Lionel Wong, of which i feel that we’ve gotten closer and closer over the years. Been through more than what most would call simple male bonding over alcohol. Increasingly the ice-faced, emo looking, good looking son of a bitch would actually start opening up to me about stuff, something i appreciate.

Well then again i lost someone. Someone whom i regret losing because of my own failings. If you’re reading this chow… i’m really sorry. Really really sorry.

Moving on before i fly into a flurry of emo shit. Yes. the women. I lost one since i last blogged, in fact i wouldnt even consider us friends anymore, perhaps due to my own failing once again. Well, basically it was never really the ‘love’ that kept us close for the longest time. But tolerance, forgiveness and understanding as well as always being there for each other. Let’s just say i forgot how to do all those i listed.

There were new entrants as well, a particular someone who came, swept me off my feet and went back to places of paradise i could never ever afford. It pained me deeply that i wasn’t good enough (financially at least) which became a reason when we stripped bare the entire saga of accidental meeting, turn apprehension, turn madly in love and finally lost.

On the other hand, speaking of new entrants, it has become quite apparent to me that i am no longer the “take it all” kenneth, i’m having a hard time wondering about this new someone… would be a pretty good catch in other’s eyes. But not in mine. To be honest, for those who know me, increasingly, wealth and beauty has started to plant its willful indulgence in me. In fact to a large extent it’s prolly brought about by the one i spoke about in the previous para.

And the Wine…. lol… i’d love to have an infinite glasses of those. Chilled and savored with the heartiest of moods. But now… it no longer appeals to me, the drunken nights, the loose women.

In a conversation i had with a ‘close friend’ , i’ve seriously neglected and though i seriously am irritated by her sometimes, I realised that I pretty much appreciate the shit heck outta her.*if you read this u’d know who u r.

Shit i derailed. what i meant to say was that I really don’t see alcohol as a form of pleasure anymore, more as an ideological form of relaxation that has been constructed by the media to sell more of this liquidated form of vice. As someone once said, I’d rather consume my calories in solid form.

And btw…. just something i had to say… CHARMAINE URE CURRY ROX!!!

Losing it

A friend commented just yesterday that she couldnt believe that this blog was mine.
“Kenneth your writing is soo different, its so lousy now,” of which i had absolutely no response to except that sinking feeling of approval.

Looking back at the previous blog i had, i guess i had to admit that I’m losing it. On second thought however, whilst furiously rushing through stacks of notes for my second exam that ended 2 hrs ago. It hit me, like one of those revelations that Eliade had, I was emo then, now, i’m perhaps just reduced to being a pathetic excuse of a human being.

Perhaps, being in love, inspired, lifted, illuminated the words which i had chosen, used even abused. Well on closer examination, it came to no surprise that the better written ones were when i was upset, hurt, depressed. Emotions that often came with pinings, intense contemplation and an excruciating stab of lonliness.

Perhaps, when one is less emotional, less affected, and indifferent to his surroundings. He inevitably becomes detached, even from the very flow of words that used to stream from his fingers so effortlessly, gushing ferociously onto the screen as the monotony of the taps of the keyboard recited an almost depressive tone of routineness, Leading the writer to be less human, less relatable, less and less of any semblance of a warm-blooded creature.

By this thread, maybe, those sinking feeling of pain, hurt and derpression are then my true source of eloquence, at least online. Ridiculous, i say, yet undeniably almost true.

I had nothing to say, nothing to feel for almost a year before i started this blog, of which the other one had been left to lead its natural cause of abandonement. Perhaps, the times i felt that i had nothing to say, were times which i was apathetic, almost dead.

Well, i’m much less of an “emo” now, or at least i claim to be, but it struck me really hard as i’m writing this that, i think i’ve lost more than eloquence, sense, flow, and flair. I lost someone, to another, painful… yet true.

Losing someone is easiest when you’re moving to another. Perhaps even seamless, just like moving out from one home to other, a place of solace to another, throwing away a crutch for another. Its so easy. But the house that left, is usually empty, soul less now, the place of solace is now just cob webs and dust, the crutch, now just another branch, another rotting piece of remnance of the bigger tree it had been ripped from.

Well perhaps this revertibrations of ghosts that haunts me still, would someday go away. Leaving me still, with the rhythms of words, which i hope not to rid, i hope not to go.

An unexpected friendship

After a long awaited post promised by me. I finally got down to doing it.
Been interning for some time almost 3 months, how time slips us so easily sometimes. Anyhow, i expected nothing, nothing in fact. To my surprise, i met the most uncanny of guys, a friend now as i might somehow pen down now.

Interestingly, both of us are really from different worlds. Literally, one hand of the spectrum u have a crazy bastard, someone lacking in even the basics of morality, partys, drinks, smokes, slimes etc (me).

On the other hand you have this friend i’ve made. Nice guy, funny, loyal to his girlfriend. Easy going, most importantly, genuine, which i think is the only common thing we share, except that i’m more blunt, tactless and loud than genuine.

Either way, he helped when i needed it, even though he had no reason to. To be honest he helped me a lot, especially with his superior knowledge in journalistic writing as opposed to me and with all the contacts and all, hmm in a way. Without the dude, i’d probably not do as well in my assignments to be really honest.

and wells for the drinks at brewerkz as well. I give a toast to this guy, which is why i made a video! haha not much of a thank you sorta thing but more of a just for laughs kinda thing.

HAHA crazy fella you are man.

Thanks man…

have i told u?

that i can’t forget? that i seriously can’t fucking forget?

boo

wad a way to be called… wad a way… a way i’ll never forget. a way i’ll always cherish…

The cyclic process

Just witnessed a break up, last week or break off if you would. In an instance it all came to me, the inevitablilty of karma, the adamant pursuit of the cosmic consequences of one’s action.

Let me just illustrate my point, by listing a few examples, by having a few fictitious characters (maybe not too fictitious but thats non-consequential). Mr Ethan, Miss Brook. Well some of you might link them to actual references to real, but sad to its just a figment of your imagination.

Scenario one

Ethan and Brook have been together for around lets see hmmm (i like 2 1/2 yrs), okay 2 1/2 years. Having been in a relationship for a sustained period of time, one would make a quick association that the couple probably has some issues, unresolved for that matter. Like any couple problems are almost mandatory, the lovey dovey-ness comes and goes, smiles, giggles were but part of the process as were the tears and arguments.

Gina finally leaves Kira for someone else, because of their problems. Poor Ethan u might be thinking… …

BUT

What is this an effect of Karma? Probably. Lets retrace incidents that happened over the relationship.

8 months into it? –> Ethan gets so drunk one night, picks up a girl at a club flirts exchanges number, perhaps even more than that, wakes up the next day only to realise the girl he’d met was Gina’s friend. Well Ethan’s meant to be a jackass.

2 weeks later –> Brook hooks up with her ex for a lil rendevous, but Kira eventually finds out…  Karma? You decide.

Its all down hill from then like u would imagine.

10 months into the relationship  –>  Ethan hooks up with someone he use to have a huge crush on…

6 months later –> Brook hooks up with someone she used to have something with.  Karma?

2 yrs –> Ethan hooks up with someone again

2 1/2 –> Brook hooks up with someone and finally leaves him.  Karma again?

Well Looks like the initiator of it all, Kira got it worst off in the end, left with nothing literally. But how is all of thids karma? it might just be a case of two cheating mofos lumped together in the most unfortunate relationship.

BUT what if i told you that both kira and gina had no idea about each other’s partners/flings/hook -ups. Well as hard as this is to imagine its true… in fact, VERY true, i’ve seen it.

I abstain from too much elaboration to protect the identities of the individuals but whilst elaboration might substatiate my theories of karma, i choose not to, afterall i aint writing for a journal.

Basically i theorize, it comes in full circle. Everything we do, some people say its just how the relationship broke down because of mutual unhappiness, but karma perhaps?

After all, there was an initiater and an effect.

Its always CAUSE and EFFECT. The effect could never be a cause to another effect. Karma stops seeking ure ass out after it gives u ure due deserts.

It only comes back when u screw up again.

Well, thats all… i’m just ranting.